201206291732048797  

                                                      
  
        事實上,我並不是一個很自動自發的小孩。對於我來說,關於好
                                                                               
  好用功唸書的事都是別人給我的期許。這樣說起來好像很自私,但那
                                                                               
  對我來說實在是一種很難承受的壓力。
  
        我根本就無法打從心底地體會到,究竟唸書是要幫助我什麼。
  
        我當然曉得,好好唸書然後得到好成績,對我是很重要的一件事
                                                                               
  。不過當所有人都一直對我灌輸這樣子的觀念時,反而讓我時時想否
                                                                               
  定這樣子的價值觀。
  
        所以我在學校的成績,很不穩定。成績的好壞通常是由週圍的人
                                                                               
  所施加的壓力來決定。
  
        我曾經在班上排不進前二十名,卻又曾經在全校排名前十。就因
                                                       
  為這一點,老師無時不刻地在盯緊著我。因為基本上我有實力替班上
                                                                               
  增加一個考上第一志願的席次,不過是要在壓力之下。
  
        真的是盯得非常的緊,成績只要一有稍許滑落,每個人就都緊張
                                                                               
  起來。對於要很努力k書來斤斤計較每一分的得失這樣子的事,我真
                                                                               
  的是感到相當的厭倦及害怕。
  
        於是不知道從什麼時候開始,我變得很愛做白日夢。
  
        我每天晚上晚自習回來後,洗完澡還必須繼續唸書,這是爸爸給
                                                                               
  我的硬性規定。於是每晚我都會複習課本複習得很晚。
  
        在這種時候,我喜歡聽著音樂,因為音樂可以帶我走進許多我不
                                                                               
  可能經歷的世界。
  
        例如放著小虎隊的音樂時,我會想像我也站在台上,唱著動人的
                                                         
  歌曲,並接受台下的人的歡呼。尤其聽著那首逍遙遊時,真的能感覺
                                                                               
  到自己也在晴朗的天氣裡,到達了一些能讓我很開心的地方,例如有
                                                                               
  海的地方。
  
        放著周治平的悲傷的歌時,我能陷入一種不可言喻的感傷;那感
                                                                               
  覺好像我變成了一個詩人,偶而會有幾片花瓣飄落在我身上。
  
        我也曾經想像過自己變成了全校為我瘋狂的風雲人物,以及我可
                                                                               
  以自由自在地在天空中飛著的情景。
  
        這所有的想像都能帶給我最直接的感受,我是真的能夠因此而覺
                                                                               
  得心花怒放或者悲傷流淚。
                                                                               
        也就因為如此,我經常躲進自己所構築的想像世界裡。
                                                                               
        不過大部份的白日夢,還是都跟黃緞帶女孩有關。
                                                    
        時常我會不斷地回想起,白天在學校與她擦身而過時的情景。
                                                                               
        假如她也有看了我一眼,那我會開始覺得她或許也在注意我了,
                                                                               
  搞不好也有點喜歡我。
                                                                               
        倘若她在經過我身邊時眼睛卻望著別的地方,那麼她大概就是在
                                                                               
  害羞。
                                                                               
        但很有可能,她只是習慣性地看看經過她身邊的人而已。她應該
                                                                               
  一直不知道這個世界上有我這個人的存在。
                                                                               
        假如連經過身邊時都沒看我,那也許她根本很討厭我也說不定。
                                                                               
        往往我的心就隨著這樣子的思緒而感到開心或難過,振奮或者沮
                                                                               
  喪。
                                                                               
        而最能讓我心跳加快的,莫過於我偶而會幻想我在輕輕地抱著她
                                                       
  。我的臉慢慢地移近她的臉,然後接吻。
                                                                               
        我甚至能聞到她的香味。
                                                                               
        曾經我也幻想將手輕放在她的胸部,結果那整個晚上我都拿著一
                                                                               
  件外套遮覆在我的褲襠上。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
        大約是大露營結束後一個星期的某個晚上,當時我正在幻想著跟
                                                                               
  黃緞帶女孩牽著手在校園裡散步的畫面,氣氛十分的浪漫。
                                                                               
        結果聽見爸爸接到了老師打來的電話。
                                                                               
        『嗯,嗯,我知道了。唉,就是要人盯。我知道。嗯。好我會多
                                                         
  注意。嗯,謝謝老師。』
                                                                               
        我一聽到是老師打來的電話,一下子就嚇得什麼羅曼蒂克什麼美
                                                                               
  麗愛情通通都丟到腦後去,偷偷聽他們說話的內容。
                                                                               
        爸爸在掛掉電話後,馬上走進我房間裡來。
                                                                               
        那時我正在唸國語。
                                                                               
        爸爸走進來後,立刻將我書桌上的國語課本拿去,問了我一句。
                                                                               
        『有在唸嗎?』
                                                                               
        『有啊。』
                                                                               
        『那我要考你喔。』
                                                                               
        『嗯。』
                                                                               
        雖然我很會分心去幻想其他的事,但我還是一樣有在唸的。或許
                                                           
  比較沒效率,不過還是有吸收。那時我在讀的是詹天佑的那一課,之
                                                                               
  前就已經唸得很熟了。
                                                                               
        所以我還挺有自信。
                                                                               
        爸爸看了一下課本,考慮著要問什麼才好,過了一會好不容易才
                                                                               
  決定。
                                                                               
        『我要問了喔。』
                                                                               
        『好。』
                                                                               
        『詹天佑是什麼時候出生的?』
                                                                               
        『啊?』
                                                                               
        老實說,課文網要以及詞義甚至補充說明那些我都背得很熟了,
                                                                               
  但我真的沒想到要去背詹天佑的出生年月日。
                                                             
        因為我唸的不是歷史啊。
                                                                               
        『這個我..』我不禁想辯解。
                                                                               
        『你不是說有唸?』
                                                                               
        『可是..』
                                                                               
        『每次都愛用騙的!』
                                                                               
        爸爸是真的不曉得,國文考卷上並不會出現他問的那個問題。
                                                                               
        於是他生氣地站了起來,走到我背後,往我後腦勺甩了一巴掌。
                                                                               
        而我也站了起來,轉過身,跑出了家門外。
                                                                               
        我在馬路上遊盪著,一直流著眼淚。
                                                                               
        我是真的明白,爸爸媽媽對我很好很好。說他們下半輩子是為了
                                                                               
  我而活,也不為過。
                                                              
        但正因為如此,才讓我喘不過氣來。我甚至連,讓自己消失的權
                                                                               
  利都沒有。
                                                                               
        我迷迷糊糊地亂走,竟走到了黃緞帶女孩的家附近。
                                                                               
        或許我心裡面在幻想,假如這時黃緞帶女孩能給我一個擁抱的話
                                                                               
  ,那我就會忘了所有悲傷的事了吧。
                                                                               
        我站在那附近好一會兒,直到聽見一陣摩托車的聲音。
                                                                               
        有個我從沒看過的男孩,騎著摩托車載著黃緞帶女孩回家。
                                                                               
        現在時間應該已經快十一點了,黃緞帶女孩身上卻還穿著學校的
                                                                               
  制服。
                                                                               
        女孩下了車,和那男孩子聊了一下天。那男孩子突然將臉靠近黃
                                                                               
  緞帶女孩的耳邊,彷彿要說什麼悄悄話。她立刻將他推開,然後手指
                                                               
  了指樓上她家的窗戶。
                                                                               
        感覺二個人十分親密,於是我心裡面多了第二道悲傷。
                                                                               
        我一直站在原地看著,最後男孩騎著摩托車離開,而她上樓回家
                                                                               
  。
                                                                               
        我發了一下呆,然後就又繼續漫無目的地亂晃,心裡面十分十分
                                                                               
  的混亂。
                                                                               
        直到流著淚的媽媽找到了我,半罵半哄地帶我回家。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
        可是,悲傷的事不會只來二次。
                                                                                             
        隔天的課後輔導,老師只上了一下課就叫我們自習。
                                                                               
        我雖然一整天心情都不是很好,還是逼著自己要看著課本。
                                                                               
        那時我剛好坐在靠走廊的那一排。
                                                                               
        旁邊的同學一陣騷動,我轉過去看了一下。原來他們趁著講台上
                                                                               
  的老師低著頭看報紙時,在傳閱一本星座占卜書。
                                                                               
        我是最近才知道我自己的星座是什麼。我將自己的生日說給大嫂
                                                                               
  聽之後,大嫂說我是天蠍座。
                                                                               
        正因為剛知道自己的星座,有點好奇,於是我輕輕招著手表示我
                                                                               
  也要看。
                                                                               
        等著等著,好不容易終於輪到了我。我抬頭看看老師,發現他還
                                                                                 
  在專心看著自己的報紙,於是便把星座書放在課本上偷偷地看著。
                                                                               
        第一行寫的是,天蠍座,在巨人的身上代表的是性器官。
                                                                               
        哎喲,性器官耶!
                                                                               
        我差點笑出來,還好有忍住。於是又抬頭起來往講台方向瞧去,
                                                                               
  恐怖的是老師已經沒有坐在那邊了。
                                                                               
        我小心翼翼地四處張望,才發現老師原來走出了教室門口,在走
                                                                               
  廊上伸著懶腰。
                                                                               
        在看見我正看著他後,他對我笑了一下。
                                                                               
        老師己經很久很久沒有這樣子對我笑了,是種非常慈祥的笑容。
                                                                               
        而我卻正在做著虧心事。
                                                                               
        我慌張地低下頭來,閤上了課本,想假裝沒有任何事。
                                                                                
        不知道星座書上有沒有寫,天蠍座的人不懂得假裝。
                                                                               
        才沒一下子,老師就已站在我身邊,打開了我的課本,右手拿起
                                                                               
  了那本星座書,左手抓著我的領子,將我拉了起來,還拿著書的右手
                                                                               
  ,往我臉頰上,猛甩著巴掌。
                                                                               
        甩了大概,有十來下吧。
                                                                               
        那時候除了耳邊響著啪啪啪的聲響外,我根本沒有任何感覺了。
                                                                               
  世界好像消失了,時間好像靜止了。
                                                                               
        直到我神智清楚後,真正令我崩潰的事才發生。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
        假如我不知道我是天蠍座,假如沒有那本星座書,假如老師沒有
                                                      
  剛好走到走廊上伸懶腰,假如十七班的老師沒有提早結束課後輔導的
                                                                               
  話。
                                                                               
        那麼黃緞帶女孩就不會看到我現在的模樣了吧。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
        盛怒的老師要我馬上收拾書包離開,連晚自習都不用回來參加;
                                                                               
  還立刻打電話通知了爸媽。
                                                                               
        不敢回家的我,只能坐在我家後面那座山的那塊小石板上,一直
                                                                               
  哭泣著。
                                                                               
                            

 

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