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我家後面有座山(18)
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    距離聯考46天,沒有任何選擇。
                                                                               
    當每一秒鐘都是倒數的時刻,周遭的人幾乎全部都會隨時提醒你“該念書了
                                                                               
,要加油”。好像考不上第一志願人生就會整個黑暗墮落似的,而且除了努力之
                                                                               
外,根本沒有人願意看你這廢物一眼。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『你這次模擬考考幾分?』
                                                                               
    『你每天都花多久時間念書?』
                                                                               
    『聽說有考前衝刺補習班耶,要一起去聽看看嗎?』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    諸如此類的話題不斷在耳邊迴轉,眼前看見的又是永遠無法理解的數字,背
                                                                               
都背不完的英文單字,腦袋要不爆炸都難。
                                                                            
    我不禁偷偷的想,像我們這樣的年紀既年輕而又頑固任性無知的現在,最容
                                                                               
易受傷,最幼稚的時期,根本就不會重來了吧?關於我們,我始終覺得現在的我
                                                                               
們很重要,有著特別珍貴無法取代或複製的東西吧。
                                                                               
    為什麼從來沒有人理會我們真正想要什麼,腦袋在想些什麼呢?
                                                                               
    考上高中真的這麼重要?重要到不能儘情的笑,不能放肆的哭,也沒有辦法
                                                                               
向任何人表達我們微小的悲哀、特有的快樂以及專屬的苦悶呢?
                                                                               
    很長很長的一段時間裡,我疑惑著。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    這個疑惑一直到了今天,一直到我站在全校模擬考榜單的公怖欄之前。
                                                                               
    因為那個名字完全!完全潑了我好大好大一盆冷水。
                                                                               
    簡直沒有辦法不讓人沮喪。
                                                                                              
    『你在幹麻?』劉佩齡再度冒失的拍了我一下,自從跟她合好以後,她對我
                                                                               
的態度整個越來越變得隨便。
                                                                               
    難道她不知道畢業以後很可能我們就不會見面了嗎?
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『大嫂!妳好厲害。』看到她名字依然端正的擺在全校第二名的位置,我真
                                                                               
心佩服著!
                                                                               
    『你也進步不少啊!很好很好,倒是我好像怎麼也考不贏大哥。』她苦笑。
                                                                               
    這不是廢話嘛!大哥不是本來就應該第一名了?打從我認識大哥那一天開始
                                                                               
就知道,只要是他想贏的東西就根本不可能會輸。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『妳想考贏大哥?』差幾分真的有差?
                                                                               
    『當然想啊,難道你沒有想過?』
                                                                   
    『沒有!』我斬釘截鐵,毫不拖泥帶水的回答。
                                                                               
    『沒志氣的傢伙!拜託,誰不想考第一名啊,我就真的真的很想贏他。』
                                                                               
    『考贏他有獎品嗎?』
                                                                               
    『黃子曦!你夠了噢。』劉佩齡插腰擺出一付標準母老虎的姿勢。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『那妳可以直接跟大哥說啊,叫他每科故意錯個一題兩題不是很簡單?我想
                                                                               
他每次都考第一名一定覺得很煩了吧!』
                                                                               
    『你是不是欠揍了,為什麼要他讓啊,反正畢業之前我一定要好好的考贏他
                                                                               
一次。』
                                                                               
    『為什麼?』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『不為什麼啊。』
                                                                         
    『為什麼一定要?』
                                                                               
    『其實我也不知道,好像……考贏他就會變得比較厲害似的,你知道嗎?國
                                                                               
小我就認識他了耶,居然從來都沒有考贏過一次有沒有很誇張。現在我爸媽每次
                                                                               
看成績都會直接問我,是不是準備一輩子輸給他了?我整個氣炸了耶,拜託!不
                                                                               
是想贏,只是覺得不甘心還是覺得要是就這樣畢業的話,那麼我整個國中到底都
                                                                               
在幹麻?偷偷告訴你好了,其實我很佩服大哥,因為我真的知道一直努力很不容
                                                                               
易而且堅持更難,不是一點點偷懶還是嘴巴說說就可以做到。所以我才一直裝成
                                                                               
討厭他的樣子啊!要是這麼簡單就認輸的話,那還當什麼對手?』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    如果我爸媽有個像劉佩齡這麼漂亮而且成績優秀的孩子,大概半夜都會笑著
                                                                               
醒來吧。
                                                                                        
    『可是贏真的有這麼重要?』
                                                                               
    『吼!你不懂啦!反正你念書就好好加油,好不容易把成績拉上來了,就好
                                                                               
好保持知道嗎?不會的我可以教你,放心。』
                                                                               
    『噢!』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    點頭以後我才發現真的不懂,到底為什麼要點頭!難道我們就一定要照著別
                                                                               
人的期望成長嗎?而如果說贏這麼重要的話,那麼落後的那些人該怎麼辦?
                                                                               
    我不討厭念書,甚至某種程度還覺得自己應該是屬於可以念書那一類的人,
                                                                               
可是為什麼,為什麼?不是反抗,不是叛逆,純粹無法理解而已。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『劉佩齡!我可以問妳一件事嗎?』
                                                                                 
    『問啊!』
                                                                               
    『我們現在除了念書就沒有別得事情可以做了?』
                                                                               
    『什麼意思?』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『我也不知道到底是什麼意思,只是覺得是不是,好像還有其它更重要的什
                                                                               
麼才對。』
                                                                               
    『比方說?』
                                                                               
    『開心還是難過之類的。』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    一聽到我這句話,劉佩齡好像被雷打到了一樣,然後大笑:『你果然是個笨
                                                                               
蛋!』
                                                                               
    『什麼啊!』
                                                                                        
    『黃子曦,你知道我為什麼喜歡跟你說話嗎?』
                                                                               
    『不知道啊!』
                                                                               
    『因為你不一樣。』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    不一樣?
                                                                               
    很多年以後,當別人每次說我很怪或白癡、混蛋的時候,我都會想起有個女
                                                                               
孩曾經跟我說過,你不一樣。
                                                                               
    所以我一點也不害怕跟別人不同。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『你不一樣,因為你很善良!會替別人著想。所以怎麼說才好呢,你會想到
                                                                               
一些平常我們應該想到卻根本不會去想的事情,我明白你要說的,就像是偶爾抬
                                                                               
頭看看天空,聽音樂,散散步之類的事吧,就好像是為什麼每次美術課,體育課
                                                                              
、音樂課都會被借來考試,很生氣覺得不對卻又沒有辦法是吧,其實我都知道,
                                                                               
很多人也都知道,但你知道為什麼我們不把他當成煩惱的一部份嗎?』
                                                                               
    『妳……』作夢也沒想到,劉佩齡居然有辦法把我沒有辦法形容的這一切,
                                                                               
這麼簡單而又精準明白的說了出來!只是又好像少了些什麼?
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『因為我們比較現實一點!因為我們從小接受的觀念就是這樣,該努力的時
                                                                               
候就不應該選擇安逸,一直以來都沒有變過。或許哪天會改變,可以選擇或者爭
                                                                               
取真正想要的,在那裡也可以看見自己和別人,被依賴的同時也被依賴著,而不
                                                                               
是像現在每天都被聯考逼得呼吸困難。』
                                                                               
    『那是什麼時候?』
                                                                               
    『這個我也不知道啊,要好久好久以後吧,但不是現在。所以我說你不一樣
                                                                               
,因為你看起來真的很認真的思考著這些問題,可是我告訴你別想太多了!現在
                                                                    
最重要的就是聯考,哪有時間去想這些有的沒的,你要的這些每天都在發生甚至
                                                                               
現在也是,一直都在啊!不管是快樂還是難過,喜歡還是討厭,只要你自己知道
                                                                               
就可以了,別人沒有辦法幫你,也根本顧著自己就來不及了,我這樣說你明白嗎?』
                                                                               
    『好像有一點,謝謝。』
                                                                               
    『簡直就是笨蛋嘛!哈。』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    劉佩齡走了以後,一個人的我又重新看了貼在牆上的榜單!
                                                                               
    原本沮喪的心情突然變得再度積極了起來。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    第三次模擬考全校第三名!
                                                                               
    三年十三班,鍾莉萍。
                                                                               
                                                                                          
    原來原來,她是個這麼這麼厲害的人嗎?
                                                                               
    生平第一次,我也有了絕對不想輸給某個人的心情。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    我也想在國中生涯裡面,至少在這最後最後能夠留下些什麼。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    那天放學,我翹了課後輔導跟阿偉到籃球場上去打了一場鬥牛。
                                                                               
    我跑得好快好快,流了好多汗……說是任性也好,幼稚也好,不管別人說什麼
                                                                               
現在我都不在乎也無所謂。因為我有的只是現在啊,唯一僅有的一次現在。
                                                                               
    一次就好。
                                                                               
    不管輸贏都好,我都只想用盡全力的做著想做的事。
                                                                               
                                                                               
    直到做完整理好思緒,我想我就會毫不埋怨的回到所有人的隊伍裡找到自己的
                                                                                       
位置。
                                                                               
    我想親眼看著自己考上聯考以後,會是個怎麼樣的自己。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
    打完球以後,阿偉從飲料機投了一瓶飲料請我:『黃子曦!』
                                                                               
    『怎麼了?』汗流浹背的我,大口咕嚕咕嚕的喝著。
                                                                               
    『我有一件事情想說,可是不知道應不應該告訴你。』
                                                                               
    『想說就說啊!』
                                                                               
                                                                               
    『是跟那個十三班女生有關的事情。』
                                                                               
    『鍾莉萍?』
                                                                               
    『嗯。』阿偉稍微想了一下,慢慢說出了一句,幾乎改變了我這輩子的一句話。
                                                                                      
                                                                               
    『我聽說,她好像很久沒有來學校上課了……』
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                       

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